2011

She came by to pick up a dvd she had bought from me on the internet. When I opened the door I was bewitched by her dark and intense eyes. She was elegantly dressed in black wearing pink and blue high-heeled shoes. Her hair was dark and long. As we shook hands I noticed hers were very slender. She was small (163 cm) but self-confident and she strided up the stairs into my appartment. She was pretty but there was something about her nose. It was a thin, pointed nose and it defined her face. I was embarrassed and became highly aware of myself. She told me that she had studied art-history, was now working in a museum and busy with her thesis on art and smell. I started blushing, it made me feel hot, sweaty and insecure. She seemed ambitious and I assumed that I was not her type. I looked at her again and imagined that l pulled up her skirt, teared down her nylons and panties, would kneel down before and cherish her in devotion. But I'm too civilized to do such a thing, way too shy to show any of my feelings, so I asked her to pose for me and took a photo of her shoes. Sublimated lust.

2.

A year later

She (texting): Shall we have coffee together?

3.

Our friendship grew. She kept texting me while I was abroad during Christmas holidays and when I just got back invited me for a walk on New Year's Day. The next couple of months we drank coffee, went to movies, attended events, dined together and I assumed that she had ended a relationship (which she didn't talk about) and I just had to wait until she was ready to start a new one. I liked this grey area, this twilight zone between friendship and love. I enjoyed the longing, the dream that was not yet stained by reality. Sometimes when I came home after spending time with her I cried tears of joy. Then one day, when we went to the zoo, she told me that she was going to Florence with an ex-boyfriend.

4.

I (email): Do you have a boyfriend right now, because I'm confused.
She (email): No, I don't. I broke up with my latest boyfriend because I want to have children and he doesn't, the same reason I broke up with the ex-boyfriend I'm going to Italy with.

5.

A couple of weeks later

I (texting): I miss you
No answer
I (texting): I miss you!
She (texting): I'm a bit startled by this

6.

I (email): Dear,
As I already have texted: I miss you. I don't know what is going on but it seems like you're drifting away from me and I'm feeling sick about it. Maybe I should have told you this before but I like you a lot, I think you're sweet and I think you're beautiful and all this time I've been too afraid to tell you. I feared rejection but also the loss of our friendship which I thought was magical. I didn't want to lose this but now that it seems like I have I've found the courage to say how I think about you: You're the most wonderful, most magnificent woman I've ever known.

She (email): Hi,
Thank you for your frankness, but I'm sorry to tell you that I can't answer your feelings. I already sensed that for you there was more than just friendship and that's why I was keeping some distance. I hope we can still go on our trip to Berlin together but that depends on you and how you feel about all this, but do know that I care a lot about our friendship.

7.

One week later, on our way home from Berlin by train

I: Was that you ex-boyfriend on the phone?
She: Yes it was.
I: How are the two of you doing?
She: Oh, we're back together again.

8.

Letter never sent

Dear,
I miss you, I miss you a lot. I didn't wanted this to happen, I wanted to stay friends but the first time I saw you I thought "this is going to be my wife". I know it sounds foolish but I want you and I know that one day you will come back to me. Maybe I'm getting insane, maybe I don't know the difference between dream and reality anymore. All I know is that I want to be together with you, start a family and stay with each other for the rest of our lives. You're the most beautiful person I know. I love you!

9.

After months of trying to reestablish our friendship, on the street

I: I think our friendship isn't working, I think it's unbalanced. I feel betrayed by you, not only because you rejected me but also as a friend. You didn't tell me you we're back together with your ex which I think is crucial information, something you share with friends. So what's my role? I comforted you when you were sad or lonely but where were you when I was heartbroken? And now we have to drink coffee once in a while like nothing ever happened? I don't want to have coffee with you, I want to kiss!
(She leaves without saying anything)

10.

At the supermarket, four days after her birthday, half a year after we last met

I: Hey, how are you?
She: I'm not doing well right now.
(Silence)
She: I'm not doing well.
I: Happy birthday!
(I leave)